Initially, I didn't have faith in the concept of true love or soulmates. I used to think that all relationships would eventually come to an end. As a result, I would end things before my partner could leave me, causing me to miss out on some exceptional individuals. However, I have now encountered an amazing guy whom I'm deeply falling in love with. Despite this, I find myself struggling with the desire to flee every day, and here's why:
1. Fight or flight is basically my default mode
I'm aware that running away would harm not only my partner but also myself. Nevertheless, I've succumbed to this impulse numerous times. Instead of confronting my fears and striving to work through them, I've chosen to shut down to avoid getting hurt. My heart has been shattered so many times that I struggle to believe it won't occur again. However, this time, I am determined to push through my fears and fight for love, rather than discarding it.
2. The what-ifs are paralyzing
While it's natural to consider the possibilities and potential outcomes in any relationship, I tend to become completely immobilized by them. Rather than getting excited about the possibilities, I get stuck on all the things that could go wrong. Does he have ulterior motives? Is he playing games with me? Does he genuinely like me? These thoughts race through my mind so quickly that I end up talking myself out of a relationship that might be precisely what I've always been looking for.
3. I doubt my ability to trust
I must confess that I have previously believed that certain guys were "The One," only to realize later that they were anything but that. This has left me shattered when those relationships didn't work out. Consequently, I now doubt my ability to judge guys. Whenever things seem to be going well with my current partner, I replay all my past failed relationships in my head and question whether I'm being too trusting. I don't have faith in myself, which makes it difficult for me to trust my partner. However, when I opened up to him about my apprehensions, he didn't walk away as I anticipated; instead, he comforted me with a hug and a kiss. Maybe it's time for me to ease up a bit.
4. I know if something seems too good to be true, it usually is
I've always been candid about my impulse to run away when things get too good. There have been instances where everything feels too perfect, and I stop myself from enjoying them. I can sense myself getting mushy and lovey, but then I pull back from the "cheesy rom-com moment" and remind myself that it's not real. However, this guy noticed this behavior and instead of reacting angrily or questioning me, he attempted to assuage my fears. This gesture made me fall even more deeply in love with him.
5. I struggle with being vulnerable
For true love to flourish, both individuals must be willing to be completely vulnerable. As we age, it becomes increasingly challenging to be open, as we have experienced more heartbreak and disappointment. I anticipate that the same cycle will repeat itself with this guy as it has with all the others: I'll let him in, lower all my defenses, and just when I think everything is perfect, he'll break my heart. But why should I refuse the chance to be loved in the way I've always desired? I'm the only one who stands in the way of finding love, and I no longer wish to do so.
6. I can't figure out if there are actually red flags or I'm just nuts
Every relationship is bound to encounter obstacles, but why create unnecessary problems? The reason being, it provides a convenient excuse to make an escape when things become too uncomfortable. During the initial stages of dating, it's natural to question certain aspects of the relationship, but being able to communicate and overcome those challenges lays the groundwork for a strong bond. In previous relationships, I would resolve conflicts with my partner but continue to dwell on them afterward because, deep down, I was searching for something to be wrong. Now, it's difficult to discern whether certain behaviors are legitimate red flags or merely the product of my anger.
7. His imperfections scare me
Every person has flaws, it's an inherent part of being human. In the past, certain imperfections in my partners have triggered such intense anxiety that I would use it as an excuse to flee. Although these concerns were legitimate, I refused to have a conversation about them because I knew that addressing them would result in losing my excuse to run away. However, with my current partner, their flaws are what make them beautifully human. Even though their imperfections still scare me, I admire how they accept them, work on them, and strive to become a better person for themselves and for me.
8. I know that I deserve love — I just have to be brave enough to go get it
When I examine it closely, I realize that I'm not actually running away from him, but rather from the fear of being heartbroken again if the relationship doesn't work out. But why should I let that fear control me? I deserve to experience love. I understand now that running away is not a viable option. In the past, the mere thought of staying in a relationship used to terrify me, but now, wanting to run but staying anyway is a clear indication that I care about him enough to want to remain.