Another failed relationship. Not ready for commitment. Maybe he was cheating. Maybe he had settled into laziness. Maybe it just didn’t work out. Whatever the reason, you now find yourself alone and wondering if you can be bothered with the whole dating thing again. Awkward conversations, too much wine, and then some definitely questionable life decisions, only to be ghosted the day after and be back to square one? 

Yeah, we get it. Luckily, the future is here and it has the solution to all of your problems.

Introducing…. Grow A Boyfriend!

Grow A Boyfriend is the latest solution to the eternal dilemma of how to live both with and without men. With Grow A Boyfriend , you won’t have to choose! You can have the perfect boyfriend, all the time!

So what is Grow A Boyfriend, you may ask? How can one grow such a thing?? With just $3.99, an Amazon account and a bit of patience. Definitely easier than trying to line up another Tinder date I can tell you! You get your adorable tiny foam boyfriend in the mail (delivery!), put him in some water and he can grow to SIX TIMES his original size. There’s a joke to be made there I’m sure, but I won’t be the one to make it.

Grow A Boyfriend is also reusable! Although he’ll start to grow after two hours, and can keep growing up to 72 hours (he’s not in any rush, unlike some of the guys we’ve dated in the past), if you dry him out he reduces back to his original size. Putting him back in water will make him grow again. So the next time you try IRL dating, only for it to inevitably fail (see above), you can pull Grow A Boyfriend out again. 

So who would benefit from Grow A Boyfriend? Firstly, who wouldn’t? I mean, if there’s a boyfriend out there who’s not going to be complaining about having to occasionally miss a night with the boys to hang out with me, I’m already down. Plus, there’s no jealousy if I talk about one of my male colleagues (we really are just friends!) and I can go into as much detail as possible about my day and get approximately the same response.

You don’t want to make any of your already-partnered up friends jealous, so I would suggest keeping Grow A Boyfriend as a present only for your single friends. They will appreciate the joke and it might put them at ease that although a boyfriend of this quality might be hard to find in the real world, Grow A Boyfriend will always be there for them. A bachelorette night might also be the moment to bring out Grow A Boyfriend. Just before your friend gets hitched, you can remind her that she’s always got options.

So, are there an downsides to Grow A Boyfriend? The conversation is occasionally lacking, and he does need to be submerged in water to keep his shape. He can’t open any jars and his hugs are a bit on the wet and soppy side. 

But still. 

I mean, it’s no worse than your average Tinder date, is it now?