To stay in control of the relationship, you have to think about the implicit dynamics of it. How holds the power? Who is the mover, who is the shaker? Who leaves? Who is left waiting?
If you answer unfavorably to any of those questions, it's time to give that relationship of yours a second glance and a squint.
It needs reassessing, I reckon.
Power dynamics are always difficult and often uncomfortably gendered reality in modern and traditional dating rituals. It's the guy that we expect to make the first move. Sweep us off our feet. Pay the bills.
But should it be? Can we really complain about double standards when we have our own hypocritical standards ourselves? In short, yes we can!
We all have to be better and we all have to be more compassionate, mindful human beings. We deserve stability, communication, and confirmation of where we stand.
There comes a point where playing hard to get or trying to 'play the field' is just not a viable option anymore. It's 2020, and we aren't in high school anymore, guys.
Some relationships just aren't meant to be, and that's another uncomfortable truth. But we have to be grown-ups about it and tell the other person involved before taking more steps in the relationship.
If your man is not even a stable geographical, physical presence in your life, then you have questions to answer. Clearly, we can't even be there for you emotionally or physically, if he's always leaving.
Yes, he may come back. But that doesn't mean that he didn't leave you in the first place. The perils of this relationship are that he has all the power. He knows that you will wait for him while he goes and experiments and lives his life.
Meanwhile, you're wasting yours waiting around for him to come to his senses. The "will they won't they' wasn't even cute for Ross and Rachel on FRIENDS.
Why do you think it will work for you?
It speaks to a relationship founded on a lack of trust and a failure to provide and satisfy the other person's needs. Either knowingly ignoring them, or refusing to prioritize thoughts of another person. I don't know which is worse, you decide.
The fact that their return is 'threatened' rather than welcomed should also point to the toxicity of this relationship. You have no power until you step away. You leave him for a change. See how he likes it.
Picking up the scraps of emotional interest in their return is simply not good enough anymore. Love kernels cannot sustain a relationship. You shouldn't have to decode or interpret or gather together the loose change of affection in a relationship.
It should be freely given and unselfishly provided. Love should not have a price or a currency. You cannot withdraw it or hold it over someone's head. Whether your partner realizes it or not, in constantly leaving, they are manipulating you with it.
The threat of its absence.
You will always let them back in if they continue to come crawling back. This dynamic is super hard to avoid but gather some friends together to help you stick to your guns.
Waiting for a 'u up?' text at 3 am is no way to live a life. Nor indeed, is constantly knowing that at any moment after four months of radio silence that he could slide into your DMs and get you back.
Delete him, block him. Get him off social media. Don't give yourself the opportunity to let him back in when he doesn't deserve it.
Him coming back doesn't mean that he cares.
It means that he knew you'd still be there when he thoughtlessly left you in the first place. Think about that. Reflect on your true worth because it's much more than this guy is capable of giving you.