Published in Jun 2019 / Updated in Aug 2021
COAMMPlaylist – Thinking About Forever – Tori Kelly
“Ava, How many times are we going to go over this. I want to be here” As soon as the words came out of his mouth my head was filled with doubts.
I really had no idea how true the words he spoke were. I couldn’t help but question what my forever was. Over the years I had seen my friends become engaged, get pregnant, and get married. Watching all of this made me wonder what it was that I really wanted, and where Hugh stood in all of it.
At first glance, anyone around me would have thought I had the perfect life. I was in love with a man that had the entire world at his feet and seemed to be sharing it all with me, I had the job that dreams were made of and family and friends that were there to stay…but on the inside, it was like a tornado had come into my head scrambled things around and then moved onto my heart. I can’t say that I’m not blessed because I know that I am but there comes a time when I wonder whether it was all enough, and what would I really give it all up for?
During a conversation with a friend of mine a few years earlier she asked me if I could see myself married to Hugh. The first word that popped into my head actually shocked me a little “Yes”. Not only did I hear the word but I also imagined myself in the kitchen cooking for him. It was something that had never happened to me before.
Pulling myself back into reality I lay there with him thinking about whether now, a few years after that conversation and seeing the way our relationship had developed, could I really see myself married to this man?
That question alone couldn’t allow me to grasp the reality of what I was asking myself. The more important question on my mind was; could I see myself married?
A few years ago I wouldn’t have ever hesitated with this question. I knew what I wanted and that was marriage and children, but these days I found myself questioning the sanctity of marriage and if my heart could really stand for it.
I found the answer to be that I didn’t want to get married. I was happy with my life as it stood, although I wasn’t in the perfect relationship I knew that in reality, there was no such thing as the perfect relationship. I wanted to see myself walking down the aisle in a white dress with the perfect man waiting for me, but I knew that even Cinderella had her adversities in that department…and the one question most women ask themselves is, what happened after Cinderella found her Prince Charming?
Did they really live happily ever after or did Prince Charming end up looking elsewhere?
I have met some men in my life who have shattered my belief in men and love but this man laying next to me, with his arms wrapped tightly around me, was the first out of all of them to have made me realise that maybe love did exist.
There were so many different types of love. The love that dies slowly within a relationship to the point of where someone questions the very basis of the relationship, the unrequited love where the person that loves you is good on paper but when you get down to the nitty-gritty feelings you just don’t feel it back, and my personal experience in this relationship where you love someone who is unobtainable.
As I lifted my head to look him directly in the eyes I realised then and there that I had obtained something from him, something that had obviously been so closed off to others for such a long time that it hit me like a ton of bricks…this man did really care for me, not just like the woman he was spending his time with but someone he might have true and deep feelings for…otherwise, why the hell was he doing this?
We hadn’t slept together, we were sitting there on the couch watching television and just enjoying each other’s company, so why was it when things were quiet and settled that I always questioned his motives? I had tried on so many occasions to let it all go but I found myself hurting more when I swept things under the rug.
I couldn’t say another word. I couldn’t help but feel the pain growing in my heart as I prepared to sweep this under the rug again. It was at that moment that he spoke and what he asked was something that I still didn’t feel ready to answer.
“Ava, what is that you want from me?”
There it was…in black and white the opportunity to lay my cards on the table and tell him what I really wanted. To be his and his alone…
But as my heart would have it…what happened next was not what he was expecting…or had he come to expect just that?