#fourty-second Confession

I haven't continued on this topic from the last confession for a number of reasons, but I will give you something that isn't in my book.

For so many years I found myself enamoured with Hugh's hold over me. I could never understand why it was that I was so quick to fall for him when I had never allowed myself to feel this way about another human being without a constant fear that they would leave me more damaged than before I opened my heart.

I found being in love with Hugh something that came naturally and even though I was scared shitless of what I was feeling I always knew that he held my heart and would always keep it safe. It wasn't something I ever needed him to prove, the trust just came instantly.

Sitting here listening to "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" by Heart, I think of all the incredible times that Hugh and I shared. We have been through so many trials and tribulations that I was surprised to see us come out on the other side.

One night I was sitting on the sofa with Hugh watching television. Wrapped up in his arms I felt myself meld into a place that was not only comfortable, but I felt as though we had taken such a huge leap forward by being able to be honest with each other about so many things that everything else just seemed stupid to worry about. I knew about his wife to a degree that I was able to sit with, without needing too much information. Whatever their true circumstances were, he was with me right at that moment. He chose to be there with me, to be away from a life that he obviously needed to escape and I felt so amazed to know that he had preferred to be with me…that I was obviously the calmness he was seeking. Inside my head was nothing but calm as I beat myself up over the decision to stay with him despite the little information that I knew. It was eating me up inside but I loved him so much that I was willing to sacrifice my sanity just to be able to be with him, no matter how short the time. I can honestly say that I didn't expect there to be a day that I would be his one and only. I wasn't going to delude myself into thinking that he would leave his wife for me, rather I preferred to just let myself relax and get swept up in the fact that in his presence I didn't have to hide or be afraid. No matter what happened in the end I would always cherish what we had and appreciate that he not only awakened my sexuality when the fear of my abuse had always consumed me in the past, but he had also opened my heart for the first time. I knew that nothing could ever take that away from me and that I would always love him. Where the next few years would take me…I would be extremely surprised and to give you a hint…sometimes things that people say don't happen with a man in his position…it might just happen when you least expect it!

Laying in his arms I felt the need to talk to him. I wanted to know more about his life and why he was with me rather than with her.

"Hugh" I said sheepishly as I lifted my head from the crook of his neck.

"Ava" he responded with a smile on his face as he looked down at me.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," he said, his full attention now on me.

"Why are you here with me?"

He let out a heavy sigh before squeezing me a little tighter.

The silence that filled the room around me became a deafening roar as I waited for his response. I could handle anything he threw at me, or so I thought, but what came out of his mouth next was something I never expected to hear!