"The hardest battle you will ever have to fight is between who you are now and who you want to be"


So many of you have been asking if there will be a sequel to COAMM. I would like to let you all know that I am currently working on this. I will be sharing small snippets from the current works, these will not be full confessions and won't necessarily be in order like the last, this next book is something that will shock a number of you. Please be patient as I get this underway and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for helping to get me this far! So many exciting things to come.


xx Ava

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COAMMPLAYLIST - Where are u now - Arlene Zelina

The moment Hugh walked through the penthouse door I felt myself dying inside. I didn't know how to handle what I had discovered let alone stand steadily in the same vicinity as him. At that very moment, I knew I had to be an adult and stand on my own two feet. No one could bail me out of this situation, I had put myself in the position I was struggling to breathe in and for the first time in my life, I was petrified that I was going to do the one thing I knew I shouldn't, If I stayed then I knew there would be no going back, it would set the pretext for how much I would allow him to get away with. What I found the most difficult was definitely learning how to walk away from someone who had always made so much sense to me, who had made my life exciting, lit up the darkest corners of myself I had hidden for so long and most of all had taught me how to be human again. I would have given my life for him and for so long I thought the feeling was mutual but now, I really didn't know if that was the case. I really wasn't sure if I had been tricked into falling in love with him or if he really did care for me as much as I had thought he did. The only way I was going to find out was to walk away and see if he cared enough to follow.


* * * *

As I looked down at my phone with Hugh's name sitting so innocently on the screen I was filled with an emotion that I had never felt with him before, pure disgust. He had made a half-assed attempted to come after me but was too slow. I was already on my way back to where I had come from. My destination wasn't clear but I knew I had to get far enough away from him to think clearly. A large part of me wanted to answer the phone, lie and say that there wasn't anything wrong with us but was instantly overruled by the images of the females he had been messaging, their photos, the text messages, and everything else I couldn't handle thinking about. I hated him so much but I hated myself more for the fact that I couldn't stop loving him. I wanted to disregard it all, cover my eyes, fall asleep and wake up refreshed from a horrible nightmare, this reality was too much for my soul to get through without coming out scathed. The moment that I wanted to throw up my heart would throw a flashback of our greatest moments into my mind and I began to question my sanity. Who on earth would allow someone to get away with treating them so badly? Then it dawned on me…Hayley. Had this ever happened to her? Was this the reason that she stayed with him? Did she know he strayed but loved him so much that she decided to turn a blind eye? What the fuck was so special about him anyway?. Even after asking myself the question, I knew what was so special about Hugh Montgomery…He had captured my heart, my soul, my body, and was the only person to ever give me back the innocence I desperately wanted that had been stolen from me. Without him, I was lost again and the pain of that alone was enough to make me want to turn the car around and go right back into the tainted safety of his arms, where I felt like I had some form of normality no matter how warped it was. I knew that it was crazy, to walk back to that situation with my eyes wide open but my heart felt safer with him no matter what he was up to behind my back. I hated myself for even thinking that, for even contemplating turning my self-worth into something that would be seen as a joke. I had no idea what I was going to do, how was I going to pick up the pieces and walk away when I knew it was the only healthy thing I could do.


I placed my head in my hands and sobbed silently, feeling waves of pain engulf me. I wanted to stop the flashbacks, the memories, the look on his face replaying over and over in my mind as he struggled to understand what had gone wrong. I was too much of a coward to really tell him how I felt, to slap him, punch him and or make him hurt as much he was hurting me. I knew that I needed to do but if I pushed him too far, I knew I would lose him forever and deeper down than any of the pain, that's what I was truly afraid of. I had been let down by men my entire life and this situation made me feel like I was just going insane like I was never meant to be in love like I was being punished for a life I had never expected to live. As I watched the scenery around me pass by I remembered the feeling of dread at the thought of the future. I hadn't felt that in such a long time when things were good with Hugh they were fantastic, when they were bad, they were not only soul-destroying but also bad enough to destroy my focus, passion, patience and drag my mood down so low that I wasn't able to motivate myself daily. What I missed the most was the feeling that love gave me, something new and fresh, something that took my breath away and made me want to do everything at once, I missed that feeling with Hugh. It felt like it had been too long since we just laughed, even though I had connected with him deeper in the night that had just passed than we had ever before. A good dose of love motivated me above and beyond any client win. I could feel myself falling into another rollercoaster of emotions as my phone began ringing again. It was Hugh. I took a deep breath before I decided I had better answer it. As I placed my finger over the button to accept the call my pulse burned rapidly, I was shaking and knew nothing but the sound of his voice could soothe me.


"Hello?" I answered trying not to allow the hate to lace my voice.

"Ava, what the fuck just happened?" He was definitely confused and although he had no right, he was definitely angry with how I had left things.

"I don't want to talk about it" I responded a little frostier than I wanted it.

"You can't just act the way you did and expect me to be okay with it" He responded with a demand for an answer in his voice. Part of me was almost willing to bend but then I remembered that I shouldn't be the one to back down.


"I have my reasons Hugh and you need to let me deal with it, this isn't something I am prepared to talk about just yet" I snapped back. This time I didn't care how it came out. He had fucked up royally and I wasn't the one who was in trouble. I had never cheated on him and I wasn't going to let his anger over not knowing to be my fault.

"You never want to fucking talk Ava. I'm over this shit. You get close and pull away in the same breath. What the fuck is going on?" He responded with a pain in his voice I almost relented.


"Hugh, give me time to deal with this and we will be okay," I responded knowing deep down that what I had said, was true. I would end up going back to him no matter how much I hated him at that very moment. I knew he was worth putting up with all the pain in the world, I just wasn't prepared to tell him why I had acted that way just yet. One day I might very well tell him how much of a jackass he really was, what he would lose if he ever treated me so badly again but right at that moment, I wasn't prepared to say goodbye.


"Ava…" He sighed. Knowing that he wasn't going to push me. He had stuck by that very promise the entire time we had been together and that alone meant enough to me to overlook his indiscretions, in the future. Right now I wasn't overlooking anything. I needed to deal with everything in my own time and right now I couldn't make any decisions that I would come to regret.

"Don't break my heart, Ava. I haven't let anyone in the way I have let you in, in such a long time. Please just tell me what's going on inside your head" He responded calmly. This enraged and sated me. It tore me to shreds. He knew exactly what to say to me that would cause my head to go into a spin.


"Hugh, I'm not trying to break your heart. Mine has been broken but I'm not willing to discuss this yet. Stop pushing me, I will walk away if I have to but you will be the first to know if that's what I intend to do. Just leave me alone for a while" I responded, exhaling so deeply that I began getting a head spin.

"Ava! Just tell me what I have to do, tell me what I have done" He responded, obviously exhausted and confused.


"Let me be, leave me alone, and let me come back to you. I won't make any rash decisions as long as I can get my head into the right place" I responded, tearing at the seams.

"Okay. Just tell me before what I've done before you let me go."

"I promise" I responded, meaning every part of the words. I knew I would end up with him again, but until I could learn to breathe again, we definitely weren't going to see each other. I hung up the phone with a heavy heart. I had so many questions, wondered why I wasn't enough to keep him faithful and torn in two. What hurt me the most was that I had invested so much in our love that I couldn't understand why I was the one being punished. I knew I deserved it but something about the whole situation seemed off, I was missing something and I knew I had to find out what it was or I would drive myself insane.


By the time I had arrived home, I knew that it was going to be a battle of the head and the heart. I knew that the only way I was going to escape the minefield I had created was to either face my fears and tell him everything or deal with it silently and move past it. What I didn't realize was how hard it was all going to be, I would either lose myself in the relationship I was so desperate to keep or I was going to lose the only man I had ever truly loved and for whatever reason, I couldn't explain, I knew that losing him was worse than losing myself.