I’m sitting in my beautiful bedroom with a glass of white wine, at the desk that my late grandfather built and painted for me. In all the years since he has passed (13) I haven’t been able to get rid of it. It was the last present I received from him and cherish it with every fibre of my being. I am surrounded by memories….but only the good ones. It has taken me a number of years to be able to break away from all negativity in my life and learn to breathe easy!
To paint a picture for how I feel right now I want you to listen to a song called “These Days” by Powder Finger and you will understand why I started this blog and why the next part of this confession is going to be an emotional ride. Never judge a book by its cover!!!
My first confession begins when I was almost 16 years old. I was extremely sick and was staying with someone I thought I could trust so they could monitor me and make sure I wasn’t well while my parents were at work. That day….I was assaulted by the man that my entire family thought we could trust, someone that was known to the family for almost 40 years, who was there the day that I was born and in an instant he took away any innocence remaining in my soul. While I didn’t let him get very far I was a complete mess inside. I was too scared to tell anyone and didn’t think anyone would believe me if I did. It’s because of this man that I could never allow another man to touch me, talk to me and I didn’t want to be in a relationship as I was petrified of intimacy or of ever trust another human being. This destroyed my family when I finally did say something after I had been expelled from my school. I couldn’t get a grasp on anything in life and couldn’t breathe. I acted out in ways I didn’t know I could but I remained in the only way that a child could. I remained a virgin.
A few years later my mum purchased a business and I started working as a manager there. I met an amazing man who we will call “Dario”, I was working in PR and he gave me my first lead….he told me to contact a man who we will call “Hugh” or you may know him as “The One”!. He is a BIG player in the industry that I work in and is VERY well respected and influential. His company and clients needed PR and I now had his details. I called his mobile (cell) and with sweaty palms and a nervous shake in my voice I left a voicemail message asking him to call me. That night at 7 pm he called me, cool calm and collected with a voice so soothing and almost velvet smooth. We arranged to meet the next night for dinner at his hotel as he planned to fly into town for business.
I called my mum immediately and told her how excited I was that my first big lead had agreed to meet me. I was nervous, scared but more importantly excited. I was 18 years old and about to meet with one of the most influential people in the country! He had given me the time of day and I felt on top of the world.
With all the Demons in my past, the heartache, torment and tears that had been shed….life was finally looking up for me, I had something to live for….I had found a new lease on life and wasn’t prepared to let those horrible memories tear me down any further….I was onto something HUGE….I could feel it in the depths of my soul…..little did I know how huge this was going to become both professionally and personally….my life was about to turn upside down and there was nothing I could do to stop it…..To Be Continued…. Confession 2….coming tomorrow.
To all women out there….no matter what your demons are….they only have power if you let them have power over you. Love yourself and remember to breathe!