COAMMPLAYLIST - Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
It has taken me a good 3 years to be able to sit down and start writing the end of my book. Tonight I sit here thinking about how I left the book and knowing that it was never finished, the hardest part about writing this was the fear that the friends and followers I had made along the way would judge me for the mistakes that I had made or pity me for the situations I had found myself in. I guess thatʼs a big part of the reason I never released who I was to the world. It didnʼt matter how much money I had been offered to release my name or the identity of Hugh, all that mattered to me was writing my truth and laying bare the pieces of my soul I will NEVER get back. I never thought what I had to say was good enough, that my life and the words that I wrote were worth more than the broken pieces that I would have to carry for the rest of my life. I still cry to this day knowing that how the fairytale progressed is not what I wanted, nor did I expect it to set my love life up for the disaster that it became.
It was almost as if someone had flicked a switch and one day I woke up to a world that didnʼt make any sense anymore. I prayed night and day to be familiar with any piece of my new world, but these prayers were never answered. Writing my book to be published was a dream come true, thereʼs one thing I lost in the process...my voice. The voice you all fell in love with, the one that spoke so openly about the ups and downs as though it was a lunchtime conversation with a best friend about the day before. Iʼve met some incredible people, Iʼve made new friends and had a life that I had no idea Iʼd ever get the chance to live...but something has always been missing.
Since writing my book, Iʼve been clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety, something that very few people in this world understand the repercussions of, the crippling feelings that flow through you at the most unexpected times. Now that Iʼm at another breaking point, the point that I was at when I first started writing about Hugh, itʼs time to let my voice be heard again...to release the pain that has festered within. So, for the first time in 3 years, I have sat down and decided to write exactly where I left off from. No flash-forwards, no skipping anything, just me being raw, honest, and open.
Please be gentle with me...because you are now going to find out...exactly what happened to the Millionaireʼs Mistress.
The moment the elevator doors closed and Hughʼs face disappeared from in front of me, I closed my eyes and his expression was burned into the darkness surrounding me. My heart raced, my phone buzzed non stop and it had taken everything I had inside me to walk out those doors and not jump from the top floor balcony and make the pain go away permanently. Hugh, my Hugh had cheated on me. He had destroyed the 20 something year old that held her whole world so safely in his palms. He crushed me. He had crushed, smashed, and stomped on everything that I was, everything I had given to him and he had taken every ounce of trust I had rebuilt in men and thrown it off that balcony.
My face was drenched in tears by the time Iʼd reached the ground floor. I didnʼt know where I was going to go, I didnʼt know what I was going to do but I knew at that moment that I wanted the world to swallow me whole. As I walked through the apartment concierge front doors in the mid-morning, staring out at the beautiful beach spraying across my view, I wanted to die. I wanted to walk into the ocean and never come back out again. The pain I felt blew the pain of being sexually assaulted out of the proverbial water. He was the first man I had ever slept with, he was the first man I had trust with my body and soul without question and he was the only man who would ever have my heart like that again...if that was gone, how was I ever going to survive again?
I climbed into the back of a town car I had managed to order and made my way back home. I sat there numb in the back seat as my phone didnʼt stop ringing. The sound was deafening. I didnʼt need to look at it, I knew who it was. He had no idea why I had just left him so abruptly and I wasnʼt sure I could ever tell him. I wanted to throw up. I felt so violated, flashes of the night before played over in my mind as the car sped down the highway. With each precious and emotional moment, I felt wash over me a wave of physical illness overthrew it. Every moment of sheet-clawing bliss was replaced with someone else underneath him in my mind, in my bed. Every laugh and tear of happiness sounded and seemed foreign to me, they were someone elseʼs in my place. Every peaceful shower, the water cascading down my glowing body from pure happiness was replaced with the dark thoughts that someone else had been in that exact spot before, washing him off there in my shower, in my spot.
The women that had been in that apartment while I thought my life had been so perfect, so much so that I counted my blessings every day, those women were out there knowing Hugh in such a different way, in a way that he had never shown me. He was not all mine, I had been sharing him with all of them and never once knew that he was not going to be my happy ending.
The darkness swirling around me physically and mentally was interrupted by a violent jolt forward as the driver slammed his breaks for the dead still traffic coming our way...we had been traveling at 110kms per hour and were only a very short distance from the car in front of us. We would collide if the brakes failed and in my despair, in my pain riddled EVERYTHING, in that very moment...I prayed they would.
To be continued...