Published in May 2019 / Updated in Aug 2021
I’ve been sitting here for the last hour on the way back from work and I have had “Kissing You” by Des’ree on repeat.
In the beginning, I was just listening to it, not thinking about the song as a whole, and not 5 minutes ago something hit me like a freight train. This entire song, lyrics, melody, and vocals touched a part of my soul I never thought that music or anything would ever reach… but it did.
This song really showcases what my relationship with Hugh has been like.
The beginning of the song starts out slow and innocent, with patience, kindness, and longing before building into a passionate clusterfu*k of emotions that took over every aspect of my life… then to top it all off as the song slowly descends into its final verse it reflects the dustiest corners of my vulnerable heart and soul before accepting the emotional turmoil I find myself in.
I have always had pride in my morals and always stood my ground when it came to having control over my life… After I have had free will taken away from me in situations that I cannot control I have held on even tighter to the things that I could control.
On the way to the hotel, I began feeling extremely uncomfortable as these two officers that collected me from my office were talking quite a lot of sh*t about Hugh. They really had it in for him and from what I took away from their conversation as I sat in the back of the car was that they really wanted to get him… for what I really honestly had no idea.
When we got to the hotel I became even more uncomfortable… I was ready to vomit when I saw that it wasn’t a hotel but rather a very run-down motel… but what could I do. These were two very high up detectives!
As we entered the motel I saw a man shooting up through the glass windows in the park across the road but I felt trapped…I couldn’t breathe, I felt I was going to suffocate.
As I walked the flight of stairs and entered the room where they told me they couldn’t go to a police station because they wanted to keep our meeting private… I felt like I was going to lose it!
I walked into the room and they locked the door… I sat down at the table and they opened their laptop. One of them began by asking me my full name, address, and all of the information they ask when you are giving your statement.
The officer sitting to my right went from good cop to bad cop. The roles were reversed as I told them I really didn’t know ANYTHING!
The officer sitting to my right told me that he needed to make a call so I told him I would go downstairs and I had to make a call. The officer was extremely angry with me and I told him time and time again that I knew NOTHING but he didn’t want to accept that.
I left and ran down the hall as quickly as I possibly could and almost tripped down the stairs as my feet couldn’t take me any faster than they were.
When I got outside I collapsed on the brick wall and called Hugh. I couldn’t tell him where I was, what I was doing or what predicament I was in but I went off my nut anyway! I screamed at him and told him I was horrified, I couldn’t believe I was being dragged into his mess and that I really couldn’t believe where I was, considering I knew NOTHING!
Hugh apologised profusely and I couldn’t take another word in…..my boss was calling me. It was 7 pm and she was seriously worried about me as I hadn’t checked in with her since 4 pm.
When I answered her call she was seriously worried. Like my mother, she was extremely worried and my father was on a call in the background. He was on the phone with the emergency services and they advised him to tell me NOT to go anywhere with these officers as legally they had to advise local authorities that they were interstate and advise what their business was while they were here…..they did not do that and there was no record of them entering the state.
Emergency services called my mobile and told me not to go anywhere and to stay on the phone, they were sending local police officers to see me.
My phone cut out and as it did the detective came downstairs and told me to come over to him.
My mother called me and would not get off the phone. She was screaming at me, telling me not to go near him and my father was on the phone with the same gentleman from emergency services again.
With my mother screaming in one ear and the detective trying to get me back upstairs I felt like I wanted to disassociate and I felt like I was watching someone else’s life from the outside, I was petrified….and it was only going to get worse!
The detective told me that if I didn’t go upstairs and finish my statement it would only get worse. He said you can do this the easy way or the hard way.
My mother screamed at me to tell him that I wasn’t going anywhere. I asked what the easy way was and what the hard way was?
He responded that the easy way was I go upstairs and finish my statement and that was the last thing I would hear about this but if I didn’t I would find out the hard way but he would be getting his partner for this.
I told him I couldn’t go upstairs, that I really couldn’t do that. He started yelling at me telling me to get upstairs and that he didn’t believe I didn’t know anything.
I swore black and blue that I didn’t know a thing. He said “Fine have it your way. Stay here. Now you have chosen the hard way”.
I got off the phone and my mother was on her way… along with the local police.
Moments later after crying and smoking like a chimney the detectives returned with their diaries.
The first detective handed me a summons and told me that I was not allowed to tell anyone other than my employer and legal counsel that I was being summoned to a secret hearing. He told me that I was not allowed to discuss it with Hugh and that no one was allowed to know. He advised that if I didn’t turn up there would be a warrant for my arrest and that the state would be paying for me as a key witness.
I once again swore that I knew NOTHING but he said “Bull*hit”. He read me my rights and then he took off with the other detective advising me that I had chosen the hard way and he would see me in court.
I collapsed on the brick wall and my mother arrived but I couldn’t tell her anything. She tried to take the documents from me but I refused to give them to her. I was petrified and I didn’t want to go to jail.
The best song to describe the next part is “Russian Roulette” by Rihanna
When the local police arrived they took the documents and told my mother that I had to go or I would be arrested.
I was royally screwed….and for what?…. Love?
They went to find the detectives and verified who they were. I have never been so afraid in my life….yes, they were the real police and they were going to be in a lot of trouble for not telling local authorities that they were in the state.
When I took a closer look at the documents… I realised something…they had every intention of summoning me as the documents were sent at 1 pm that day….just before I met with them the first time!
Before I left for the night the detective told me one thing that will always stay with me….”We know you know something, we plan on finding out everything you know….Pillow talk talks and trust me….We will get to the bottom of this….don’t be stupid thinking you are the only one!”. With that, he walked off.
I was left standing there with police car lights flashing around me, feeling like I had made the biggest mistake of my life getting involved with Hugh… He couldn’t help me, I was in this for myself… no one could protect me…I had to fight this fight alone, and it wasn’t even my fight.
I felt like I was playing Russian Roulette…and what was I gambling with?… my sanity, my life as I knew it. And the only person I had ever really truly loved…..But how was I going to get through this alone?