Published in May 2019 / Updated in Aug 2021
Over the last few days, I have had to reflect on my life and the choices I have made.
I walked past the old school that I was expelled from and the angst that I felt when I was much younger felt so out of reach and so long ago that it actually shocked me.
I have driven past that school so many times and never gave it a second thought. However, this time, I stopped and as I looked into the schoolyard I felt like I had finally achieved something in my life.
A friend of mine who is an author gave me a lot of inspiration when I discussed writing down some of the things that I have been through in life and one of the most recent things that she had said was that I would start paying attention to the little details in life…..I didn’t realise how true this was until two days ago.
I am sitting out on the back patio at 10:12 pm at night thinking about life, love and everything that is to come…I am listening to “All My Life” by KC and Jojo and as I sit here listening to this song, I am reminded of the first night that Hugh and I spent together.
It was a night of heated passion and an experience that I never thought I would be strong enough to harbour on my own shoulders.
He was sweet, kind, tender and very gentle with my body, my heart and my soul. The lyrics sing to my soul as I sit here and write this ” Said, I promise to never fall in love with a stranger, You’re all I’m thinking of, I praise the Lord above, For sending me your love, I cherish every hug, I really love you”. That first night that we were together was the most exciting, passionate and probably the healthiest thing that I have ever done for myself.
As we began to make love, fear controlled my body. I was trembling from the inside but on the outside time stood still. My body was frozen as the memories came flooding back.
I felt his warm hands running down my neck and the intense gaze in his eyes as I tried not to see his face morph into the face of another….one so dark that I was afraid it would consume me if I saw it one more time.
As he lifted me from underneath and kissed my neck ever so gently, I felt the fire inside of my heart quicken and burn me from the inside out. I felt empowered, I was in control and he whispered…I promise not to break you.
Those words consumed me as I let my inhibitions completely flood away and I got caught up in the moment.
While I was silent I kept my eyes closed to feel every motion, hear every breath and with each breath that I exhaled, I felt myself growing calmer. I felt the trust and bond between us grow.
At that very moment Rick knocked on the door and I immediately clammed up. I had forgotten that he was there in my drunken euphoric state.
I felt the fear break through my barrier of stability and I knew that there was no coming back.
I grabbed the sheets and pulled them close as Hugh got up and walked towards the door.
Once Rick left, Hugh returned to the blackened room as I pretended to fall asleep. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, I was petrified.
He gathered me into his arms and rocked me back and forth, all the while kissing my forehead.
I knew that at that moment he understood my fear, he may not have known where it stemmed from but he knew that there was something awfully wrong.
I fell asleep in his arms. During the middle of the night I had moved away from him to the other side of the bed.
An hour later I felt my arm being dragged unwillingly. I woke in a sweat as I felt the pull.
I heard “Baby, Come here…I don’t like the space between us, I want you in my arms”.
I let him pull me closer and immediately felt safe and at home.
When I woke I was in the same position but I was woken by soft kisses on my shoulder…This time I wasn’t afraid of his touch or his intentions as I let him consume me again.
I felt the same safety and love as I had the night before….only this time I was very awake and alert.
The saying “Parting is such sweet sorrow” couldn’t have been more true!
When I left him, I felt as though my heart had been ripped from me…I cried the entire way home…I cried over the fact that I was leaving him but also over the fact that I was able to break my own barriers on my own terms. I finally felt like I was being freed from the chains of my past.
The next time we saw each other, I can’t say that life didn’t throw me a curveball…