As I sit here on the way home in the back of a cab I have time to sit here and reflect on the memory I shared with you all last night.
I won't say that this has been an easy ride or that life has been kind to me but I also think that I haven't been very kind to myself.
With my earphones in I recall a conversation that I had with my mother yesterday. Now my first instinct is to pull down what she really said but I know that isn't what you all signed up for and that certainly isn't what I set out to do when I started this so I'm not going to start being dishonest now.
When I asked her what she thought she was brutally honest. Now keep in mind she knows this best and the worst times I have had with Hugh and she has seen the heartache that I have been through....so she only wants to protect me....the thing is I can't explain to her why I feel the way I feel about Hugh....I just do!. If I look deep inside myself I think I know the reason that I fell for him but I will touch on that in coming confessions.
My mother's reaction when I asked what she thought so far was "You have painted him like a seedy older man, that's how it comes across to me". In an instant I jumped to his defense because I had to set the record straight....it certainly isn't like that at all. He really is a very generous and loving person but at times I have witnessed something that has made me hold a lot back when I talk to him....if there is a problem or I have something eating at me....it usually takes me until it's literally eating me up inside and it's months later until I say something....by then I have blown it way out of proportion in my head and we end up in a MASSIVE argument....however he never once raises his voice at me and he refuses to argue back if he has a strong point to make, his voice becomes really quiet and he is extremely calm as he tells me how much of an idiot I am being and that I should have just come to him for answers instead of blowing it up in my head into such a massive issue when there is a simple explanation to the issue. The way he reacts pisses me off beyond all belief. I can't say why because I don't know I just know that him being so calm really rubs me up the wrong way!!
I'm currently listening to "Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson" and this song will explain a lot in the next few confessions.
The morning after I woke up and Leah had to get to work so I reluctantly said goodbye to Hugh and as we left MTV was playing an Usher marathon....the song that was playing was "Caught Up"....I really related to this song at the time....I was so sure that this would never happen to me....BUT it had and now I didn't want to let him go!....I was caught up!
I saw usher standing on the stage as he kept singing the same line "I'm losing control...this girls got a hold of me....I'm so caught up"....little did I know how that feeling would intensify over the next few months and there was no chance of me escaping the web my heart had spun.
As we left Hugh walked us to the elevator and kissed me goodbye. The same electricity pierced through My lips and into the depths of my soul....it's what I imagine you would feel if you were awake while the doctors used a heart paddle on you.....painful and yet you would be so desperate for them to continue to save you.....but what was Hugh saving me from?
When we got into the car I received a call from Hugh....the first thing he asked half laughing while I was desperately trying not to vomit as I was so hungover was " Umm is Leah okay because they painted my guest bath last night". It took me a few seconds to realize what he meant. Let's just say I'm sure the maid had a great time cleaning that mess!
During our call, he asked me if I would meet him the next time I flew into his town?. I had agreed.
As soon as we hung up I said to Leah, "well... feel like repeating this in another town?".
We made plans to head down and 2 weeks later we were on our way there.
During that time my feelings had solidified and the flirtatious butterflies were in overdrive with Hugh. We communicated daily and I grew to see a beautiful side of this man as he opened up and gave me an insight into his life as it stood. I didn't actually realize just how famous he was in the industry...although some people could say he was infamous. Some people saw him as a dark but lovable underworld character because he stayed out of the media eye and others would say that he was trouble and to stay away from him....I guess it just depends on how you know him and if he wants to know you...because he doesn't let many people into his inner circle.
When Leah and I arrived we decided to spend the first 2 days together just having an amazing time as it was the first time Leah had been to that town and it was the first time I had been there without my family.
we were going to paint the town red!!!
As we caught a late flight we landed at 10:30 pm and went straight to an apartment that we had rented and crashed!.
The next morning we decided to visit the markets and the beach. We took 2 hours to get ready, hair, makeup, and incredible outfits....we were set.
When we got to what we thought would be an incredible market we were sourly disappointed and decided that we would turn around and head for the beach. We walked for an hour until the sky turned from bright and sunny to black and wet in the span of 10 minutes. We decide to pull into a bar we had seen on the way back and have a few drinks.....after what happened....I have to say, it's now one of my favorite bars in that town and yet it is a little hole-in-the-wall bar but the memories we made there were going to last a lifetime.
We sat outside with the rain pouring around us the traffic slowing to a Halt....because no one can drive in the rain right?!?
In front of us were two gentlemen that had been talking and as Leah and I had a few drinks by this point and were a little tipsy we decided to interrupt their conversation without a point of view.
The two men ended up joining us as a laugh and we made the best of friends and drank for another hour talking about everything when a guy who was riding his scooter came up and parked to get out of the rain and joined us....randomly. I can't say I remember much of what happened but I do know that we got totally off our face, hit on the gorgeous bartender, and took a whole bunch of photos to remember his beauty, Leah began to pretend to flash people, we took photos with our new best friends who we nicknamed our gay boyfriends, I ended up with a photo of one of their nipples on my phone and the faintest memory that I had taken the photo because we wanted to see what his grey hair around his nipple looked like....and to top it all off I got proposed to by a Frenchman which I quickly accepted and we began planning our honeymoon. We had been at the bar for 9 hours in total and had the best night ever together.
We ended up walking home and Leah had gotten us lost. In the middle of the busiest street in the city with traffic surrounding us she stopped, pissed off that we were lost and drunk, and said to me "are you ready....I'm about to become a mega-bitch!". I tried not to laugh but she was serious.
We eventually found our way back and passed out even though we had the intention to go out again.
The next morning Leah had a massive hangover and didn't want to go anywhere but I insisted.
We went to a beautiful lunch and walked around the city before returning back to get ready for another night out.
When we were finally ready we ended up heading to a magnificent restaurant with a massive staircase out the front in one of the worst neighbourhoods in the city. One section of the neighbourhood was actually made famous by a movie a few years ago and its bright red light can be seen from quite a bit away!.
When we first got there, there were no seats but my feet were killing me from walking all day. We eventually say down and 30 minutes later the group got up to leave so we had more room....for about 3 seconds before 2 guys sat down and started talking to us. They pulled out their novelty male appendage straws and we immediately laughed as they began drinking out of them.
Everyone turned around and looked in disgust and for the next 2 hours we got along great and more and more people wanted straws as they loosened up.
We moved from that room into the club section of the venue and I saw Leah making out with her man in the club.
The guy I was with turned to me and said "so if we are going to hook up we should probably get out of here now and you can't stay because I have to be up early, so yeah". I immediately got up and said..."there was never any chance of that happening" And stormed off before he had the chance to respond. I was disgusted, I felt degraded and was royally pissed off as he hadn't even offered to buy me a drink! Not that it would have made a difference I was out with a friend.
When I reached the bathroom I pulled out my phone and saw a missed call from Hugh. I called him back and apologized telling him I was out. He asked what I was doing and I told him that we were out and had met two guys and were having a few drinks. He took it fine and I wasn't going to lie.
We hung up and I returned to find Leah still locking lips and the guy's friend nowhere to be found....thank god.
I returned to the bar and found him chatting up another girl.... I felt a tap on my shoulder and Leah and her new friend were behind me. We went to the bar for a drink and then in my infinite tipsy wisdom, I decided it was time for payback. I walked over to where the disrespectful pr*ck was standing chatting up the girl and interrupted them saying "ohh here you are honey, did you want a cigarette? As I produced it I stood next to him and he took it smiling at me." The girl looked straight at me and said "ugh I think you've made your point" and stalked off. He was gobsmacked and I had achieved my goal....co*kblocking mission initiated....and he deserved it!
A few minutes after Leah and Mr. Pissed Off's friend returned I ran after the girl. I apologized to her and told her that she would be seriously making a mistake if she went there and I explained what she said....let's say it ended in thanks and a hug and she walked over to a group of girls who she obviously told the entire story....I can say he didn't end up laid that night as it went right around the club that he was a jerk!...all I can say is don't mess with Ava Reilly!
After that I was in an incredible mood and ended up going to the bathroom again to fix my hair....what happened next I didn't expect. I dropped my phone and when I picked it up I saw at least 5 missed calls from Hugh and a text message that ended up saying it all.
"I have tried to call you and tried to call you because I was seriously concerned after something I just hear but instead you're probably hooking up with that guy!".
My earlier happy mood was trashed. I was shattered....this was the second time in one night that someone had pretty much called me a Slurry! And I was FAR from it.
I immediately tried to call him back and was PISSED OFF. I left a voicemail quite drunk basically saying how dare he, even if I was what right did he have to judge and he didn't own me so what difference did it make!
I threw my phone into my bag and refused to look at it again. I was so angry.
As soon as I told Leah I wanted to leave she agreed. We left immediately with her guy driving us back to the apartment.
He came up with her and I made Leah promise she wasn't going to break our one rule.....no taking guys into the room we were staying in together.
Let's just say I got so angry when she took him in there and they started making out on my bed.
I began packing my things and slammed doors. I was so hurt, so angry and so so very drunk.
I grabbed my keys and walked downstairs for a cigarette.
As soon as I sat down I pulled out my earphones and pressed play on the next song. The next song shook me to the core, it was exactly how I felt about Hugh and my biggest fear summed up in the most beautiful melody and words.
The song was "Will you still love me tomorrow - covered by Amy Winehouse". I actually ended up writing a song after listening to this.
As I sat outside the tears started pouring and my frail body shook uncontrollably. I wasn't angry that Leah had bought a guy home I was pis*ed off that I was jealous and I was so hurt and angry with myself because all I kept thinking was why couldn't I be normal like that?!. Why couldn't I just be able to sleep with someone or be like anyone else my age and not be afraid? I cried for everything that was taken from me so young and I cried because I didn't know how to change it. I didn't know how to be normal.
I got into the elevator in a fury and with tears streaming down my face and stormed into the room. They were still there on the bed and hadn't moved an inch except when he obviously took his shirt off. That was the final straw. I grabbed my keys and slammed the door. I didn't know where I was going but I could t be there and I couldn't bring myself to call Hugh!
I walked downstairs to put the song on repeat and burst into years again....until I began to harden. I was drunk and pissed off...not a good combination.
I walked towards the elevators and Leah walked out with her new guy. She took one look at me and told him to leave. When I got into the elevator I dropped to the ground and began crying. I don't know how my night turned from amazing to horrible but it was one of the lowest points in my life. I felt degraded all over again and twice in one night.
Leah got me into bed and we talked all night while she apologized profusely and I apologized while I told her that I was jealous. We talked for hours and in an instant, her hatred for Hugh came back.... She was not looking forward to seeing him the next night and I was afraid of what she would say when she did.
The next morning when Hugh called I told him to save it....he apologized over and over again saying he was jealous and upset that I didn't invite him but I wouldn't hear it. The only thing we could agree on was that we needed to see each other straight away...we agreed on dinner and we agreed we needed to figure out what this was...because whatever it was, wasn't working for either of us and we knew it.