Over the last couple of days, I have been thinking more and more about writing a book as soooo many of you have requested it.
So today I have decided that I will start writing it this week.
As I am sure you can all imagine that this journey is going to be one that will take a little while to think about. However, I am sure you all know that there is a lot more within these confessions that I haven't written. So for my book, I am going to try to go into more depth, and I will be expanding the confessions as well as adding a lot more new material.
Right now I am listening to "California King Bed" covered by the amazingly talented Arlene Zelina.
It took me a while to really digest the information I had found regarding Hugh and him living back in that house. I found it really hard when talking to him not to say anything about it. I had made my mind up that the next time we saw each other I would bring it up. I needed to look him in the eyes and see if he was telling me the truth. I didn't trust myself not to just accept what he was saying over the phone because I knew it would be easier if I just accepted it and didn't ask any questions.
I knew because of the way I felt about him that I would just accept it and move on....the problem was, something inside was telling me that I was not going to be able to live with myself if I did that.
So we spoke constantly but didn't say anything about what was going on.....except on one occasion.
After I had spoken to his solicitor I called Hugh and told him that he might need to get himself a new lawyer because he was a complete di*khead!
I relayed the conversation we had and told him that if his lawyer was smart he would take my statement and take it to court.
We shared a difference in opinion over this, however, I wasn't going to fight him to save him...The only person who could make a difference in his defence was himself... let's just say this though.....a few months later he ended up changing lawyers!
I flew down to see him about 2 weeks after this conversation. We went through the usual routine where he picked me up from the airport the night I arrived, then went to the hotel and checked in.
We decided to order room service as every time he went out there was some journalist following him. I had witnessed this first hand. When he picked me up from the airport there was a photographer following us and snapping away.
This made me extremely uncomfortable. I knew why they were following him but did they really have to take pictures of me too? I didn't know what Hugh had done but he swore the photos would never hit the media....and true to his word...they never did!
This next story really does make me quite sad. The best way to describe how I am feeling is to listen to "Stay" but not Rihanna's version. Arlene Zelina does an amazing emotional version and I am finding myself listening to her more and more these days when I need to delve into my emotional turmoil.
After we ate dinner and were sitting having a drink in the Suite, I began to feel my nerves climbing. I could feel the anxiety building and I could feel the moment encroaching...The moment that would determine what was going to happen between Hugh and me.
In my haze of thoughts and complete distraction, I had not realised that he was standing in front of me.
He placed his hand over mine, lifted my chin with his left hand, and looked straight into my eyes. I saw the pain, self-destruction, and angst in his eyes and found myself holding my breath. I knew I couldn't do it to him right then and there. I wanted to hold him, I wanted to protect him....and I knew it was going to cost me. I knew that deep down I was going to regret not talking to him but my internal instinct was to look after him, make him forget the pain caused by everything that was going on around him, and just let him breathe. I didn't want him to ever have to worry about anything when he was with me.
The stress of the court case was getting to him, he looked older and he didn't look like he had slept in weeks. It was taking its toll on him and I didn't want to add to it. So I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind and let it go for now.
I sat in front of him on the sofa as he leaned over me, brushing his hand down my face to my neck. I felt the burning desire growing in the pit of my stomach, my breath began to hitch as his hands reached my waist and he lifted me from the sofa. He placed his knee strategically in-between my legs and he lifted my legs to wrap them around his waist.
Neither of us broke our gaze as all of this happened and I could feel his eyes burning into my soul. The hunger, desire, and burning passion grew between us as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He leaned forward and kissed me before we collapsed onto the bed.
I opened my eyes to look at the man who haunted me in such a way that was neither bad nor good. I knew it was irrational and stupid to have fallen for a married man. I found it so hard to let him go. It was like a knife was tearing my heart apart.
As I looked into his eyes and stopped what I was doing I knew that he knew there was something I needed to say but was struggling to do so. He ran his fingers through my hair as a single tear slid down my right eye. He looked at me and placed his thumb under my eye to wipe away the tear. He sighed and took a deep breath before running his hand through this hair.
He looked so torn up...I placed my hand upon his cheek and pulled myself up on my elbow. I grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him hard, passionately, and felt the yearning return in the pit of my stomach.
I pulled my shirt up over my head and continued to kiss him. I knew what I had to say would have to wait and I unbuttoned his shirt before ripping it off him in the heat of the moment.
I ran my nails down his back and my heart skipped a beat as he lifted me up, placing his hand on the small of my back.
We made love slowly and with such a desire to be closer to each other that my heart ached. I wanted him and I needed him like the air that filled my lungs. Without him, I wasn't sure how I could function.
We made love 6 times that night and each time we were both insatiable, each time I could feel his love burning into my flesh as he refused to break eye contact with me.
As I collapsed and curled up against his chest my pleasure began to subside as I knew I needed to say something. It was eating me up inside.
As I pulled myself up onto my elbow I drank him in. He looked at me with the same look in his eyes as I was feeling. Pure torment. He knew I needed to say something but he didn't want to go through it at this time...
The lyrics in Stay "Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving, 'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving" give the perfect explanation to how I was feeling and what happened next.
I wanted him to stay, not leave my side. Something about him made me realise I didn't want to live without him in my life.
I opened my mouth and before I could stop myself words began escaping.
"I need to know Hugh, Why are you living back in that house? Are you back with her?"
He exhaled violently and shook his head. He climbed out of bed.
"Ava...I can't do this right now'.
My eyes burned with tears. I knew I was losing him. I could feel him clamming up and his body language proved his walls were flying back up.
"Hugh...I really need to know. I can't be the other woman. I can't do this if that's all I mean!" I said as cautiously as I could.
He was dressed in a flash. He stopped as my words echoed around us. You could cut the tension with a knife.
He turned slowly to face me and I could see the pain flashing across his face. I felt so vulnerable. I knew in that instant I was losing him.
I pulled the sheet closer to my chest and sat up, leaning against the headboard as the tears began stinging my eyes and staining my cheeks.
He moved towards me and I began clamming up.
He took my hand and rubbed his thumb across my knuckles.
"Ava. I am not with her, I told you where we stood. I need to be in that house, I need to be there to show the media a united front. It is not common knowledge that we are not together and I do not want what is happening with the case to hurt my family. I have my sons to think about and she doesn't need to cop anything publicly. She is the mother of my children and my lawyers have advised me that I need to show a united family front. Surely you can understand that!"
He said this so soothingly but with a bit of anger. I didn't know what to think...but I knew that I couldn't be with him until the court case was over....and if it ended badly....what then?
"I can't do this anymore Hugh. I want to be with you but I can't be with you like this anymore.....If I can't have all of you then what can I have. Please don't call me or text me...I need to learn to live without you again"
"I'm so sorry Ava, It's all I can give you right now...I don't want to lose you but I don't want to cause you more pain."
The pain I felt inside began to envelop me. Tears ran down my cheeks more rapidly.
He kissed me and began kissing my tears away. I wrapped my arms around him ferociously and knew that I had to let him go. He laid with me until I fell asleep in his arms, kissing my forehead before he left.
When I woke the next morning my heart was heavy. I had no motivation to move, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and never leave the hotel room...I had to learn to live without him again....but for that moment...I allowed the pain to take everything I had left and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore...