So, you like your coffee black? If so, then it’s likely you have a freezer full of human body parts, assuming there is still space left to store your appalling trophies, you sickening psychopath.

An Austrian study from the University of Innsbruck has come to the conclusion that lovers of black coffee are sadists and psychopaths.

The thousand-plus people who took part in the study declared their coffee preferences before taking a personality test that basically determined whether they were good guys or incredibly demented bad guys.

When the results finally came in, the news was devastating – those who like bitter coffee flavors such as black coffee also had more psychopathic qualities. You can take that to mean that these guys are simply psychopaths.

As you can imagine, a lot of people are calling bullshit on this study. I can say this with certainty being a devoted fan of black coffee myself. There are several reasons someone would prefer black coffee over other coffee flavors besides an uncontrollable need to harm others to satisfy a warped psychological desire.

In my case, for instance, black coffee is the healthiest way to get my daily share of sixteen ounces without consuming too many calories that come with drinking coffee flavored with cream and sugar. So, even though my coffee habits might sound worryingly disconcerting as far as this study goes, they have nothing to do with a serious personality disorder that makes me find delight in the pain of others.

But then again, I could be trying to charm my way out of being perceived as the closeted psychopath I really am.

However, what really gets me about this study is that in addition to giving black coffee fans a bad rep, it went on to describe in glowing terms those who love to put cream and sugar in their coffee.

Apparently, these guys had personalities that were more “agreeable”. I take it that means these are the good guys. The sort who go around being regular superheroes righting wrongs in our society and tirelessly crusading for unity, love, and togetherness.

Once again, this implication is laughable.

First of all, that has not been my experience. I know a lot of people who like their coffee with cream and yet go around being world-class jerks.

But again, being on the other end of the spectrum, that could be my way of building up some negative sentiments towards them to justify kidnapping them when they least expect it in order to do some sick horrifying experiments on them for my own psychopathic amusement.

It’s funny that the study reached these ridiculous conclusions, even for us black coffee lovers who are on the receiving end of the final findings.

But even now, I am still at a loss to explain how there haven’t been any reports of good innocent study subjects losing their lives in horrifyingly ridiculous ways over the course of the study given that there were enough psychopathic monsters involved in the study to bring this terrifying statistical finding to the light.