They say laughter keeps you young and improves your health. So here's our daily contribution to keeping you young and healthy.
Dirty Old Harold
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood, and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agreed to meet each night secretly in the garden, where they would sit and talk, and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood.
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
Be Careful What You Wish For
A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he could not get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically, son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.
The man went to see the witch the next day and told her his sad story.
"Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma.
You must ask the frog, 'will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter."
The man's face lit up, and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond, and, sure enough, the frog sat on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him with some disdain and replied, "NO."
The man looked down, and suddenly, his penis was 4 inches shorter!
"WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
Once more, he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed and shouted, "This is fantastic!"
He looked down at his penis once more, and by now, it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration, and said, "NO! NO!... and for the last time, NO!"
The Shaft Study
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds.
The study concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at the cost of more than 2 million euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct its own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
Coffee "Perked" Up
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. "Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later, the old lady returned. She was frowning, and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Terrible, doctor, terrible." "Did it not work?" "Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said, and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there, and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Doing the Dishes
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner, which is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table, and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom is horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later, he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden, there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
The Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 lb weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door, and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days, and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 lb as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 lb program. The next day there's a knock at the door, and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape, and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day, when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lb as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lb program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
An escaped convict imprisoned for 1st-degree murder had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison.
While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible, the husband went across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck, and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong, and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half-naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck….He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you, too."
Hong Kong Dong
On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.
He went to his doctor, Doctor Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.
Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry, but Doctor Jones is correct. We must amputate right away!
Joe could not accept this and discussed this with a friend who advised him to see a doctor in the Orient.
He went to Doctor Chu Wong.
Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong but said, "These Western doctors – so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation is not necessary."
Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, "You wait three weeks, and it falls off on its own."