I've never been sure that you exist. I truly have never given much thought about you at all. I write to you now because surely the life I have lead, the decisions I have made and all the endings that have never been happy but earth-shatteringly painful, can't just be my own stupidity. Surely there has to be a reason behind it all. Life can't just be all about luck, otherwise, why is it that some are always lucky and others end up right where I am. Sitting here questioning everything and wondering how I have survived life this long to only just be hitting rock bottom now.
I thought I had sat there, on the floor of the shower or in a dark corner with tears streaming down my cheeks and knew that I had hit rock bottom, but now I know better. You don't just hit rock bottom, you get slammed so hard that it feels like every piece of your body breaks, your soul shatters into tiny pieces of dust and your heart is so broken that the pieces can't even be found. They just disappeared, evaporated into thin air and at that moment you know, the only darker place left is when you close your eyes for the last time…Destiny, if you don't have anything to do with this, then please redirect this letter to whatever does because I may have nothing left…but I know I don't deserve this.
Anxiety and depression had been a part of my life for as long as I could remember. It wasn't until after I turned 18 that I was actually able to describe them with their proper names. I knew deep inside that I wasn't crazy but I did know that something within me was a HUGE reason that I couldn't successfully grasp the true depths of happiness. For as long as I can remember I have always been told I have a big heart and that I have always worn it on my sleeve. Once again another empty set of words that I could never actually comprehend. The sentence made perfect sense as a clump of letters, forming words into a sentence that could apply to anyone…but I never really realised how true it was that I embodied that sentence to its core. My heart has always been on my sleeve, outside the protection of my body, untangled from the inner workings of my anatomy that held it safe from harm.
I don't remember a time when it wasn't pinned there with such easy access to anyone who could spot it. Almost every single person who has even come close enough to touching it has just wanted to break a piece off for themselves and place it into the empty space within their own…the only difference is that their newfound heart WAS caged for protection and even I couldn't share in its newfound glory.
I thought I knew what rock bottom was, I thought I could tell you stories that would make you feel a small piece of what it was like to lose all hope and faith that one day, everything would be okay. I thought that I could be the hope for women out there that came across me, either in person or online, to share my story and help them to understand that if I can still be standing tall then anyone can. What I recently learned was that I wasn't as strong as I thought, the pieces of glue that were holding me together were peeling away, the pressure was too much for them and all the scars were opening into fresh wounds all at once. I was left open, bare, bleeding, and wondering which part of me to cover up from the world. It all became too much, it all became too hard and then I found myself truly at rock bottom. The thoughts that come with that will never leave me and instead of acting on anything that would destroy those I left behind I chose to reach out and bare it all to a friend who had only ever seen the scars, she had never seen the wounds. By the time I finished the first sentence, I knew I was going to be able to take that first baby step towards purging the pain and put every drop of the deadly poison running through my veins into a bottle and throwing that into the depths of the ocean…never to be seen again.
So what landed me in this place? Well as the story always goes, I met a man, the man who I thought would be the one to right all the wrongs of the past, the one to hold my heart with such care that it would never break again. It was a whirlwind of instant attraction, instant connection, and most importantly instant trust. I had never been able to give the last so easily before but the rest were part and parcel of my heart being so carelessly pinned to my sleeve. I had always fallen hard and fast but never without the careless whisper of mistrust warning me to run before I was hurt. The first night of the meeting reminded me of the stuff that dreams were made of. He was my version of perfect. The death of his father, not 2 weeks beforehand hadn't deterred him from pursuing me so persistently. By the third message asking me out, four hours had passed and I finally allowed myself to see what the harm could be. I had my backup plan, I knew how to get out of there if things got bad but my fear was more that he would run from me. I found common ground with him that had such strong roots, I wasn't scared, I was breathless.
I walked up the steps towards the man that I felt knew every inch of me before I could even tell him, I stopped on flat ground, pulled out my phone, and before I had the chance to even dial his number I felt him staring at me to my right. The moment I saw him, I knew.
The date was easy, we spent 7 hours together with perfect conversation, strong attraction, and intimacy that ran back and forth between us like wind passing through the trees.
By the next date it had intensified to another level, a level so raw that I found it almost breathtaking. This time, I saw the grief of him losing his father beginning to seep through to the surface, and my mister perfect, was slipping away from me slowly, I could almost feel him pushing me away. It was at that moment that I knew he wasn't ready. I didn't want to push him into anything, I wholeheartedly wanted to be someone he could lean upon, rely upon, and be there no matter what…and I meant every word of it all.
Driving home that night I found myself lost, driving around in literal circles and not knowing how I was going to get out of it. I hadn't realised at the time that it wasn't just a reality I was in, there was a metaphorical meaning to it all. I was once again going to be helping to pick up the pieces and I feared this time there would be nothing left.
I called him because my GPS wouldn't tell me how to get out of the never-ending circle but I hoped that he would. The moment he answered my heart skipped a beat and after laughing he agreed to help me. After taking all of his directions I found myself in the middle of the street and there he was standing, and I had no idea at that moment what I was going to do…so I followed him inside. We laid with each other for hours and allowed the intimacy, connection, and all that flowed between us to take control. I had never completely given myself to another human being but that night I did, and now I know why my mother had always told me never to give everything you have because you need to leave a little for yourself.
By the time I had almost reached my house it was just after midnight and the radio played "Hold me in your arms" by Southern Sons. I heard every word and happiness enveloped me, I slept with the memories of his touch that were burned into my skin's memory.
The next two days went by with my mind foggy from happiness and at that moment the careless whisper of doubt entered my brain. It was Friday and I was fearful that I had given myself to a man unknowingly and so quickly that I didn't know how to get what I had given back.
By 2:45 am the next morning I had realised that he might have been perfect for me, however, the fear that I had nothing left for myself had completely taken over and I knew at that moment I needed to take it back…the only thing is, it meant that I was going to have to give up the happiness I had felt only 12 hours before. I was prepared to break my own heart because I couldn't see how I was going to make it through without eventually resenting him and for once I had met a wonderful man who didn't deserve it. For once I had met a man I didn't believe had the intention to destroy me but had every ability to if he wanted to and he didn't even know it.
I said goodbye at that moment and regretted it the instant I woke up but hoped that if my destiny was with him…he would find his way back to me.
So dearest destiny, if you do exist, if you handed me the opportunity for true happiness then I ask you this. Don't let my mistake, my decision to tear away from potential heartbreak, and my self-sabotage that has taken me to a place darker than ever before be the end.
Dearest destiny, I have let go of something I never thought I deserved, I have let go of someone I never thought I deserved…if you really do exist, don't let this be the end.