Published in Oct 2018 / Updated in Aug 2021
Well the more I write for Thought Nova, the more I am going to get personal and really open up to you all so I am sure it will touch some people and hopefully it will help them not to make the mistakes I have.
Back in May, I met a man who I really wasn’t that interested in physically but I found him funny. Emotionally I really wasn’t attached to him at all but he asked me out on a date. I went because I wanted to put myself out there and while he was the complete opposite to anyone I had ever gone for I thought that maybe a change in the type of men was exactly what I needed because nothing else had worked and yes I was starting to feel a little lonely. Now in another article I am about to write about why you shouldn’t date when you are bored, I will cover some of what happened here but I must admit this may have been one of the worst relationships I had ever been in if you can even call it that.
When I met this man I was a little hesitant in actually meeting up with him, he had asked me around for a drink to his house and he had a few friends, he lived on a lovely property and the friends he had over made it an intimate setting that was quite interesting. We had a laugh and I actually enjoyed myself but this man had not been in a relationship since his divorce four years before and as a result, I think he was pretty lonely too, I wouldn’t find out how lonely until much later.
He treated me like a princess which was something that I wasn’t used to, he introduced me to his friends and we spent quite a lot of time together but I still wasn’t feeling anything for him. I found him to be a good friend but something inside me knew that it was never going to be anything more than that. I fell into a relationship with him where I would go over to his house every weekend and we would have dinner, watch movies and spend quality time together. He loved having me around and I loved feeling wanted and needed.
Every time he would message me or call me saying he missed me I felt a little out of whack. I didn’t feel that way but I was trying to force myself to because I wanted and craved the feeling of being loved, this man was in the middle of a custody battle when he met me and his ex-wife had become quite vindictive and despite a court order she had taken the children and refused to let him see them. The only way he would be able to get his children back would be to go back to court and that was at least a six-week wait before he was able to be seen in family court.
The longer his children were away the more of my time he wanted. I slept beside him each weekend but we never slept together, we were never intimate and the one night I was interested in going there he couldn’t. He had been getting quite depressed and began taking anti-depressants that made his libido take a nosedive. He literally COULDN’T sleep with me. I didn’t know this at the time so took it as rejection and ended up in tears.
The more he told me he missed me the more I started to feel like he didn’t miss me at all, he missed his children and I was the fill-in until he got them back. I was a distraction, he didn’t love me and I didn’t love him. It was a company thing. The problem was I was not only doing all the “wifely” duties of helping with dinner and so on but I was also becoming a bit of a punching bag. The worse the news got or the time went past the more his moods would get extremely negative and he would take it out on me. I tried to be there for him but he started draining me, to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told him it was unfair and he started crying, he missed his kids and I just wasn’t enough of a distraction anymore.
The next weekend after this discussion I decided not to go over, the weeks began to pass and neither of us contacted each other. I knew I was done and it wasn’t until I received a message from him saying that he needed time to get his head together about three weeks later that I really realised I wasn’t that interested in him. There were no sparks, no flames, no passion, and definitely no love. We had spent three months together with absolutely no intimacy and it felt like we had been together for three years. It was monotonous and boring.
A few weeks ago I received a message from him to say that his custody battle was almost over and he was about to get his kids back, he wanted to see me again but to be honest, that ship has long sailed. I blew him off gently but the whole experience left a sour taste in my mouth and I definitely didn’t want to be the one to break his heart in the future when his company just wasn’t enough for me.
My advice in this situation, if you find yourself in a relationship of convenience, one that you don’t have any feelings for that person and they are in a really difficult custody battle, don’t stay. Not only will you get hurt more than just being out in the dating world trying to find something real but you will end up being a crutch that will never fill the void for the other person and it’s not fair on either of you to keep something like that going.