Aye! I think everyone would agree being a pirate would be kind of cool. Their lives and lingo are so popular that they even have their own International Holiday, "Talk Like a Pirate Day," coming up on September 19th.
Thanks to us pillaging and plundering the internet for the best and worst Pirate Jokes, yes, some of these are so bad they should be buried deep in Davey Jone's locker, you will be the Captain making the laughs happen when you recite these to your crew.
The Captain in Brown Pants
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on, and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that two pirate vessels were sending boarding parties.
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The battle was on, and once again, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time, more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?".
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the following morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!
The Pirate's Wish
A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a courageous battle.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter, the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!"
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
After a tension-filled moment, the parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."
A Pirate's Story
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the seaman, asks, "So, how did ya end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape, and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they was pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared, and one of the foul creatures bit me bloomin' leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "That's awful unlucky... What about that hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a traders ship, with pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. And in the fracas, me hand got chopped clean off."
"Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "Ya don't say... And how did ye come by that eye patch"? "Argh.. a bloody seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"Ya lost yer eye to a seagull droppin'?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate; "ya see mate, it was me first day with this here hook......."
A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea, the Captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on.
The man replies that on the whole, he is enjoying things, the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc. - but there was one thing missing.
"Arrr! What's that?" asks the Captain.
"Well, there are no women," replies the young man.
"Arrr!" says the Captain, "Follow me!"
The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel. On top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair.
On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bunghole. "We calls her Carmen," says the Captain, "and ye may take her as ya will."
The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way. However, as the long months at sea drag by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the horny young man.
Finally, he can resist her no longer, and he has his wicked way with the barrel.
To his amazement, the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!
The following day the Captain makes a point to greet him again. "How did ya get on with Carmen then, laddie?" he asks eagerly.
The man replies, "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"
"Argh!" says the Captain, with a great beaming smile on his black-bearded face.
"Then it be yer turn in the barrel tomorrow matey!"
The Old Pirate
An old, retired pirate puts on his old coat and heads for the docks once more for old time's sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age but, needing some reassurance, asks, "How am I doing, Darlin?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, old Captain, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
A pirate ship sinks, and the only surviving crew member washes up on a small island where he finds a married couple, also stranded.
After a few weeks, the crew member is getting very horny. The married woman one day whispers to him, "I'd love to help you out, but my husband wouldn't stand for it, and as you know, it's a tiny island with only one tree.
"The crew member says, "It's ok. I'll think of something." Every day they take turns climbing the tree to search the horizon for passing ships. One day it is the sailor's turn, and he looks down at the couple and yells,
"Hey! Quit that fu*king down there!" The married man is confused because he's sitting at least 10 feet away from his wife. The next day it's the married man's turn in the tree. After a while, he looks down and thinks to himself,
"Well, I'll be damned. It DOES look like they're fucking from up here."
The Famous Sea Captain
Once upon a time, there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years, he guided merchant ships all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual.
He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long-lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the sea. Just as she was about to do so, though, a young handsome sailor ran down to the shore and talked her out of it.
"Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with your life." said the sailor. "InMyhip is sailing for America in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to America where you can start a new life."
That sounded great to the young women who took up living secretly in a cabin on board the ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.
After about a week of this though, the ship's captain discovered the woman hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain.
"Well, I have a deal with one of your sailors. He is smuggling me over to America, and he's screwing me."
"I'll say!" replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...
He swims over to her and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger, more well-formed hump herself.
Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a nice rainbow in it.
Once again, she looked unimpressed, and she blew a larger cloud of mist with a more beautiful rainbow.
Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water, and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and, in one gulp, swallows him whole!
He swam back to her, very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attention with a disgusted look on her face...
As she swam off, she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!
Five Pirates and a Woman
Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck. Before long, they are all getting pretty horny, so they all make a deal.
Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her, and so on.
All the pirates get sex every five weeks, and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week.
The situation has worked wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies...
The first week after wasn't too bad.
The second week was getting sort of bad.
The third week was getting pretty bad.
The fourth week was really bad.
The fifth week was horrible!
By the sixth week, it was unbearable...
So they buried her.
The Captain's Son
There once was an old pirate captain who had a son who had no ears. One day the pirate captain picked up some new crew members.
As the new recruits got on board, the captain told them about his son and that he was very sensitive about the fact that he had no ears.
If they offended his son by talking about his ears, they would have to walk the plank! These new pirates were naturally very nervous about meeting this boy.
Well, after a short time, the new pirates finally happened to meet the captain's boy. The first pirate tried not to look at him, but he couldn't handle it and kept staring. The boy yelled, "What are you looking at!?"
Hurried to think of an excuse, the pirate said, "I was just admiring your hand! Take care of your hand,
or you will have to wear a hook like me."
"Thank you for the advice," said the boy.
Soon a second new pirate encountered the boy. When he kept staring at him, the boy said, "What are you looking at!?"
"I was just admiring your leg," said the pirate. "You take care of your leg, or you will have to wear a wooden leg like me!"
"Thank you for the advice," said the boy.
Later the third new pirate encountered the boy and stared. When the boy said, "What are you looking at!?" the pirate said, "I was just admiring your eyes.
You take care of your eyes, laddie boy, or you will have to wear glasses like me... and you can't wear glasses, cuz you don't have any ears to hold em up with....."
A Parrot's Prayer
A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. Upon returning from sea, my pirate husband gave me two female parrots, but it seems these silly birds only know how to squawk out one thing."
"Well, what do they say?" the priest inquired. The woman replies, "Hi, we're hookers, laddies! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your little problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots here, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.
My parrots can teach your female parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that foul phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "that sounds like a good idea."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. Upon entering, she saw that his two male parrots were in their cage, somberly holding on to their rosary beads and quietly praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers, laddies! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence in the room... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
The New Guy
A new guy shows up for a job on a pirate ship. He walks into the galley, where all the pirates are eating beans.
"I'm here for a job," he said. The pirate captain looks at him, then sort of leans over and lets out a long, low, juicy fart.
All the pirates start farting, low and long. Soon, the place reeks. The man, wanting to show that he's tough enough to be a pirate tries to fart as well but only manages a "Squeeeek, poot..."
Suddenly it gets very quiet in the galley, the captain stands up, waving his hook in the air, and says: "I get the virgin!"
Cheesy Pirate One Liners Will Make You Say Arghhhhh
I saw a pirate walking down the street the other day. He had a paper towel on his head. So I asked him: "Hey buddy, what's with the paper towel on your head?" He answered: "Arrgh, I got a bounty on my head."
How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?
Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
"Because they'll just wash up on shore later."
Where did the pirate purchase his hook? At the 2nd hand store, of course.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?" The pirate growls, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? – An arm and a leg.
A pirate walked into a bar. At that moment, the pirate realized that he was wearing his eyepatch on the wrong eye.
Why did Bluebeard offend so many ladies? He kept getting slapped each time he said yo-ho.
What's the most addictive thing about being a pirate? When you lose your first hand, you get hooked!