A Hilarious And Brutal Interpretation Of Your Horoscope Sign
Published in Sep 2019 / Updated in Oct 2021
Be warned: this is not for the faint-hearted. It's lots of fun though, so give it a shot. All it takes is some dark sense of humor.
Are you an Aquarius? Then you are the life of the party. You are good to go anytime; it does not matter the time or place. A funeral is a good place for you to hit on girls. You envy the 60s. That's the last time you got away with public nudity. You just love being 'all-natural.' Jerry Garcia is your personal icon, and there are high chances you go around telling people you've seen his image in your Froot Loops. By the way, Froot Loops are likely your favorite snack, being an Aquarius. Rice Krispies work for you as well, but Count Chocula is a no-no. Aquarius can also play volleyball alone.
Their discussions of philosophy are usually punctuated by the words "dude" and "man." You also have the habit of tuning out of conversations midway, and once your mind is lost in another world, you are truly gone. But you are fun, partly because it's easy to get you to run around naked. Astronomy is in your blood, and you probably have an opinion on the best thing to eat on Saturn. You don't hold back on any vice. Heck, you will not even hesitate and give it a second thought. Sort of explains why many Aquarians are rock stars and why they easily piss many people off.
You are a walking comedy show, without you knowing it. Sex is not a subject you understand, and if you are a woman, your love for floaty dresses and chunky silver jewelry is legendary. And then, although you profess your love for the stars, Big Dipper is the only constellation you really care about. You can forget your address, but still, describe what you had on during some boring date from ten years ago. The direction does not mean much to you, and you can reverse on the expressway past the speed limit.
Unless you are living with a Cancer, it's likely for you to get run over by a truck. Bad luck seems to follow you, and you naturally bring out maternal instincts in Leos. You like to make a mark historically, but your real talent is for entertainment matters. You also like to boast about legendary Pisceans like Albert Einstein, Michelangelo, and George Washington. You say you welcome all opinions but will make a fuss when someone is critical of you. Pisces live in their own imaginary world, and it's hopeless trying to make them see the logic.
Besides crying, your best defense in arguments is Elizabeth Barrett's quotes. You have no workable grasp of philosophy, and while you will feel strongly against roadkill, you have no remorse for humans who cross you. You say one thing, forget it and do whatever you want. Cancers do the opposite of what they say, while Scorpios stand by what they say, but only for spite.
You look smug, and your eyebrows look like those of a ram. Stubbornness is one of your strongest traits, and although you do what you say, you usually do the wrong thing. But you can't stand to hear that. It makes you homicidal. You are fond of Pisces, as they keep you grounded. You find little joys in laughing at 30-year-olds who suck their thumbs. You make your philosophical arguments using guns, and you claim that your living abode is your dream home, whether it's a palace or a refrigerator box. You make decisions as a child would.
And although you can marry a lot, it's never divorce that separates you and your partner but freak accidents. People get away from you because you are way too aggressive about everything. You think highly of yourself and take a lot of pride in that fact. That is why you are usually such jerks because you are all up in other people's business.
Your emotions are all over the place. No one can tell what you will do next. You can punch your friend in the face just because it "felt right." Skipping a few showers is not a problem for you. You like happy films but will not pass up on a chance to argue with people. Regardless of your lack of experience with life in general, you are always psychoanalytical of your friends. You mumble through your philosophical arguments, and you can hold grudges over imaginary things. But maybe that comes from an inferiority complex now that you come second to Aries. You have a 'second-best' vibe around you. You never give people a straight answer. A question is met with another question.
You live for drama and conflict, and calmness is as good a reason to start a fight as any other. And if you cannot start fights, you will create stories about fights you have been in. You learned everything you know from Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, and your life lacks a sense of direction. Nonetheless, you are pushy and restless, and you like imagining a world where you were a God, but that will never be.
People cannot get enough of you because you are a schizophrenic. You think you are it, but you are not. You are outgoing and fun, and your car probably looks funny and you always drive it into things. You are also pushy and have no idea what picking your battles means. You will argue with kids or make a scene at weddings, and you like picking on Libras. You destroy yourself, and your philosophical arguments are based on vague analogies.
At the Olympics, you will usually take part in air hockey and pool, and you are always getting treatment for something. You are also loud but always talking and arguing with yourself. A Gemini is basically an Aquarius with terrible paranoia.
Your nose is always in other people's business, although you never seem to know what's going on with you. Only other people can tell you what's going on with you. You have a peculiar 'fashion sense' since wearing clothes is just another inconvenience for you. You like hearing that a pair of jeans can be worn for a month because doing laundry is not your thing. You can remain locked up for ages and yet play everyone's hero without a desire for extended social interaction. You are always there to help, but sports don't work for you because you are always taking breaks.
You don't bother much with healthy eating and probably suffer from ulcers. You are also everyone's doormat, and people are often screwing with you. When discussing philosophy, you make up your own words. Does that remind you of someone? George Bush, perhaps? You have no noticeable influence on your circle of friends and will often not get invitations to parties. You often get called upon when a drunk friend cannot get home.
You will court attention at all costs and will often be found in front of a mirror, kissing your reflection. People would have loved Lucy more if she weren't a Leo. You like to interrupt conversations and will stop people from getting away from you when you are talking. You want your birthday to be a big deal. Nobody can be good enough for you, so marriage is not for you. Ironically, you need lots of physical intimacy, but nobody can stand you. Some of you even get into homosexuality just to get attention. Your best partner is yourself, and you expect attention whenever you go.
Humility is an intimidating concept for you, but you have no qualms about being in cults and starting fights, especially with Aries. By the way, you are good for such fights anywhere, including restaurants, sports fields, and so forth. While Capricorns hang posters of accomplished mathematicians, and Pisces like posters of unicorns on their walls, and Aquarians prefer posters of rock stars, Leos take the cake because they hang posters of themselves on their walls.
You are insufferable and probably not worthy of a place in society. You are too strict, and people better be careful to keep things as you left them or you will brutally attack them. OCD is probably your synonym. You make philosophical points using charts and diagrams. Drive-by shootings are not beneath you, and you probably explain them by saying, "the bastard had it coming." Being Virgos as well, the cops let you go off easy. If you are a jerk, you will love a Virgo. It's easy setting them off. Tell them they have something on their face and they will practically work themselves into a frenzy scrubbing it off.
Coping is never easy for a Virgo, and they either see something as clean or dirty. Pet dander will be the last straw for a Virgo. But that's good because they will do your laundry and organize everything in your house. They amuse themselves by opening and closing the refrigerator door repeatedly to try to catch the light going off and on. Putting something out of place in a Virgo's fridge is a justifiable reason to get a fatal beating.
Your refined taste and elegance are disgusting, even to your friends. Decisions are not easy for you either, and you will usually seek opinions before making a final call. You might be fashion-forward but also easy to manipulate. If you hate something and you learn it's fashionable, you will immediately love it. You try foreign cuisines, and the cappuccino movement was your doing. You use quotes to explain philosophical points and have no interest in current affairs.
You have a particular dislike for fast food, and you will not be found in thrift stores. You have a lot of crap that everyone else would have thrown away ages ago, and you tend to bring back long-forgotten trends. Nothing dims your intellect though. You can still clarify pointless philosophical concepts even when completely drunk.
You are probably a hacker and an embarrassment to Libras because you don't give a damn about how you take your coffee. You seek fame on nerdy forums and are paranoid about most things in life. You wonder when the aliens will show up at your doorstep and kidnap you. Bill Gates is a Scorpio with automated barracks as a dwelling. That says a lot. Since your plan for world domination has you at the top, it will never be.
You wish Star Trek was real, and you use insults when discussing philosophy. Halloween is your happiest season as you get to play Dr. Who and make elaborate scary scenes without coming off as weird. You like voicing your opinions on issues that should never be a concern to you. You look for ways to hack the lottery.
You live on the adventurous side of life. You will wander around the house with the lights off. You always take it the hard way, even if it costs you a few teeth. You like to amuse anyone you meet, and you are probably transgender. You like to irritate people and have ridiculous nicknames.
While animals love you, adults can't stand you. Your car probably has a rude bumper sticker on it. You don't know your limits and will even prank your friends' parents. You think you can be a better Madonna than the real Madonna. But one thing is for sure. Nobody can beat you at being hip.
You work hard, you are dependable, but you are also boring as hell. You are always chasing greatness and are great at math. That is probably the reason why you are not so popular because few people enjoy it. Being a Capricorn is pretty much a disability, and you are bound to suck really bad at something. This explains why the country is always going through one disaster or another because most politicians are Capricorns.
While you think yourself charming, people see you as stubborn and egotistical. But you always find a way to bounce back, and you know how to screw people on a grand scale. You get books as Christmas gifts, and you spend the holiday identifying the legal loopholes they contain. You like being seen on the phone, which is total pretense since you don't have any friends to begin with. Many forgery crooks are Capricorns.