They say you should spend more time with people that make you laugh. So spend a few moments with us and have a few chuckles at the following jokes we put together just for you!
I was happy. My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law-to-be. She was a career woman, intelligent, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."
I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside and, with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
Moral of the story?... Always keep your condoms in the car.
An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a pothead all die and go to Hell. Satan is waiting for them and tells all of them, "I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from Earth, and let you keep it here for 100 years, and then I will return for the goods."
"Satan first approaches the alcoholic, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the alcoholic responds, "I want the finest brew, wine, and liquor you can get me."
Satan brings him to a room filled with every type of beer on tap, the finest aged cellars of wine, and of course, the purest grain alcohol.
There is each type of liquor you could possibly think of or never afford even to taste, a never-ending supply of it all. The man yells, "Whooa Hoo!" in excitement and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it.
Satan then approaches the sex addict and asks, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the sex addict responds, "Women! I want lots of beautiful women, one for each day of the year!"
Satan brings him to a room filled with only the most gorgeous women imaginable. Some with huge breasts, some with small breasts, some with big butts, and some with small behinds. Some are tall with never-ending legs, some short, some have tight p*ssies, and some have shaved p*ssies.
All of the women are hot, naked, and extremely horny. The sex addict immediately gets a raging hard-on and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it.
Satan finally approaches the pothead and asks, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the pothead responds, "Well, that's easy! I want the best pot you got."
Satan brings him to a room filled with the tallest, thickest, stinkiest, most dank plants growing on for acres.
The sweet smell from the purest plants fills this enormous room. There were crystals growing on some buds, which grew 15 feet high, just begging to be harvested. The quality of the bud would shame the Cannabis Cup winners in all categories. It was beyond belief.
The pothead was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian style, with his legs crossed, took slow deep breaths, closed his eyes, and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight. Satan looked at him curiously, shut the door, and locked it.
One hundred years pass. Satan returns to the first room, remembering the alcoholic, unlocks and opens the door. There are broken wine and liquor glass bottles shattered everywhere. The room smells like rotting animal flesh and piss. The alcoholic comes running at the door, naked, covered in his own vomit and shit, screaming.
"Help! I don't want anymore. Let me out of here!" Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it.
Satan then returns to the second room, remembering the sex addict, unlocks and opens the door. There are thousands of kids running around the room and babies crying madly, making so much noise no one can hear their own screams.
Hundreds of very, very old ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very horny for the sex addict who attempts to run out the door as Satan watches. Before the sex addict can utter a word of desperation, Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it.
Satan finally arrives at the third and final room, remembering the pothead, unlocks, and opens the door. After a quick look inside, Satan's evil grin turns to a look of confusion. Nothing has changed. The plants were untouched, just as dank as the day he left them.
Even the pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed. Satan walks up behind the pothead, taps him on his shoulder, and says, "What's wrong?" A tear rolls down the pothead's cheek as he turns to Satan and simply replies, "Got a light, man?"
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lottery, and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies, "My boss and I played the lottery, and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.......You guessed it:
Her share of the lottery winnings...
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What the heck is this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lottery ticket wet, do we??"
I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
"No, sadly, we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a martini, please.
A few drinks later, after a kiss and a cuddle, we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on, she said, "So, you're good-looking, a nice guy, and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."
A woman, annoyed because her husband comes home late again, decides to leave a message on the dresser with the following content:
"I've had enough, and I'm leaving you.... no use looking for me!"
Then, grinning, she hides under the bed to watch his reaction.
A short time later, the man comes home, and she hears him scurrying in the kitchen before he enters the bedroom. He goes to the dresser and reads the note.
After a few seconds, he writes something on the note and picks up the phone to call someone...
"She's finally gone.... yes, I know, it took a hell of a long time! I'm coming to you, put on that sexy negligee!"
"I love you.... can't wait to be with you.... we're going to do all those kinky things you like!"
He hangs up, takes his keys, and walks out.
She hears his car drive away and crawls out from under the bed.
Trembling with rage and tears in her eyes, she takes the note and reads what he has written...
"I can see your feet. We are out of bread, be back in 10 minutes."
A lady walked into a bar, and there were no seats available, except for one at a table occupied by a man, and she decided to take it. He said, "Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?"
The woman replied, "June."
She went to get a drink, and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back, he still sat there smiling.
June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, "Why are you smiling at me like that?"
Jim answered, "Well, just imagine having 8 inches of Snow in June!"
The New Flat
A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman, and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it, letting her robe fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day, and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered...."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
A Blonde Gets Pulled Over
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and decides to pull it over. He walks up to the car and sees a beautiful blonde woman driving and smells liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon, and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
I Like Your Thinking
One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now, class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red.
Little Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No, Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brown."
Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat, trying to get the teacher to call on him, but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay, the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard."
Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically, but the teacher calls on Sally, who says, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is irritated now, so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you, teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries,
"That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
Just the Tip
There's a couple that has been dating for a while. As much as he wants to, she won't sleep with him because she's saving her virginity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said, "Oh come on, just feel it." To which she replies, "No, I'm saving myself for marriage!"
They went back and forth. He said, "Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel." She finally agreed, "Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage."
So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer, and he asks, "Can't we please?" She, of course, states, "NO, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He says, "Please, please?" and she says, "No, absolutely not, I'm saving myself for marriage." He says, "How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?" She says, "No way, I'm saving myself for marriage."
He begs and pleads with her, "I promise, just the tip, no more, and we'll stop after that." She finally gives in, "Okay, but just the tip, no more, and that's all."
He says okay and pulls down her panties and puts the tip in... he's so hot and ready that he can't control himself, shoves it the whole way in, and starts going to town...
She, meanwhile, is moaning and groaning and shouts, "Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!"
A little stunned, he says, "No, no...absolutely not, a deals a deal!"