There’s no two ways about it, if there’s no truth in a relationship, there is no relationship. Period.
Emotional honesty is difficult at the best of times, quite apart from when you’re trying to get someone to love you enduringly and unflinchingly.
However, by definition, people can only love you ‘in spite of everything’ if you actually show them everything. Well, if not everything, then more of you.
It may even be that you are the culprit here. Make sure you reflect on whether or not you are emotionally available or communicating your needs to your partner. You don’t have to be outright cheating to be dishonest in a relationship.
It leads to a less genuine mental environment and without the support system of a relationship you might find yourself trapped in an increasingly artificial dynamic. Neither of you will be comfortable or communicative, and that isn’t fun for anyone.
But of course, it may be easier than that to discover if your relationship is based on a series of lies or silences.
Relationships are based on emotions. Not omissions.
Therefore, I humbly present to you the 7 reasons why secrets are undoubtedly fatal to relationships. If not now, they will eventually reveal themselves and it’s when you’re blindsided that the whole process is intensified.
Let’s educate ourselves!
1. It means you aren’t being honest with yourself.
While it may seem besides the point, the issue here is that relationships are meant to unlock parts of you that you didn’t know were there. Or to both grow together as individuals. If neither of you are being honest with each other, then you aren’t learning about each other or learning about each other’s limits or personal boundaries. This leads to a whole load of unnecessary hurt later on when arguments spiral out of control because neither of you know when to stop.
2. If you are keeping secrets then you aren’t comfortable in the relationship.
This means that your intimacy together might be purely physical. If you aren’t in a relationship without fear of judgement or dismissal, then it’s more strain on you. Without an emotional outlet or a place in which you feel unfettered to express yourself, you will bottle up emotions. Emotions that really ought not to be bottled up. As such, you will hold on to stress and anxiety and it will build up and express itself in arguments that will veer on nuclear.
Some more tea to spill…
3. Secrets are the gateway drug to cheating.
Maybe it’s a sweeping statement, maybe I’m just playing off experience here. But if you start lying it’s a slippery slope. Even if it’s about fairly innocuous things, or where you were last night. But that can soon spiral into more. This is particularly true of situations in which you no longer feel that your response is heard or appreciated. Otherwise, there’s no longer any incentive to be open and honest for the sake of doing so. Not if the other person doesn’t care. That can lead to …
4. Suppressing emotions and true feelings.
If you start to feel silly or unwanted in a relationship, or as though your feelings aren’t valid – that leaves you up a creek with no paddle. This emotional constipation can in turn lead to resentment and other toxic emotions. Relationships should unplug and release lots of these intimacies. But here’s a trick of the trade: it’s never just a white lie. They’re opening the door to grey lies and aren’t just a ‘kindness’ or the polite way of negotiating awkward situations. They’re a cop out. If your significant other can’t bring themselves to tell you your article needs copyediting, then how can they be trusted to tell you more important things? The truth is that there are some things we just need to hear.
5. If you no longer trust them to pick up your call, call it quits.
If you have lost faith in their ability to listen or honestly talk with you, then all that a relationship should provide is sacrificed. There’s no emotional stability or support or that intimate knowledge of each other’s needs. What is there left?
Comments on communication.
6. If they aren’t the person you want to call to tell news, ask yourself why.
Is that because your best friend is much more acquainted with the issue? Or is it because your partner has used or withheld information to manipulate or distort the truth to their own ends? If they’ve ever consciously made you feel silly or crazy or paranoid for questioning valid discussions, then they are clearly feeling guilty and paranoid themselves.
7. If you catch them in a lie and they try to weasel their way out of it.
Don’t listen to them. That is just the final straw of the relationship. Why? Well, if they aren’t mature enough to own up to making a mistake, even when they have literally been caught red-handed, how can you trust them to be honest with you at any other point. Yes, it’s one thing to lie, but sometimes we do lie. For whatever reason. That doesn’t mean it’s okay, but it means we need to acknowledge that it was wrong. We don’t offer excuses but can at least attempt a dialogue or communication to discuss why you felt the need to lie. That can clear the air. Without the communication and honesty, lies are just manipulations. Ways to keep you at arms length.
If you are suddenly squinting across a room at them and wondering how much you actually know about them, it’s a pretty damning assessment of the relationship.
If they are chronic plan-cancellers and never seem to prioritise you, and you can’t ever seem to place where they are…
In more ways than one, they probably aren’t with you.
And finally, if they still have your number saved as ‘Hannah Tinder’ then it might be time to delete. If he’s lying to you, you need to get out ahead of it.
You aren’t a schoolteacher that he’s trying to avoid getting a detention from!