Right, so I’m not going to play around here and be coy, guys. It’s Saturday night, you and your partner are the right side of bevved and things are moving swiftly along. You’ve already knocked into three chairs and banged your wrist into a cabinet in your efforts to make it to the bedroom and still get your groove on.

Yes, pre-warning, this article will be chocked full of sex-related euphemisms that felt dated in the 60s but have since been given a new lease of life (by me!).

Anywho, two consenting adults are settling down to do the dirty, but lo! For whatever reasons, personal preferences or anxieties, there’s no lube to be found. What to do, what to do?

First, we can de-stigmatise the embarrassment surrounding lube.

Because we all know it’s not just the older generation or same-sex couples that have use of lubrication in sexual intercourse. Okay, I phrased that last part a bit gratuitously, but you get my drift. It’s normal, and we should open up discussions to talk about it. It’s not awkward. Well, it shouldn’t be, but vaginal dryness is not something to ignore, and while it may seem like a hassle or another aspect of sex that bewilders and bamboozles, it can really streamline the experience and make sure that everyone has a grand old time.

Maybe I’m already preaching to the choir and people want to know some more natural alternatives to the always suspiciously ‘chemically’ five-syllable name ingredients that goes into lube. Or maybe it never occurred to you to use it, because it’s not ‘meant for you’. I assure you, it is.

But whatever got you here, you’re here now, so breathe in and hold on to your hats, because I’m about to blow your mind with 11 natural alternatives to lube that are perfectly viable!

But first, a few safety announcements and general no-nos before you get your fancy new sex toy out of the box:

Try to avoid synthetic oils because they can corrode the condom material (latex) on occasion. And the same is said of waxes such a (our otherwise good friend) shea butter or beeswax. These chaps can cause cell damage according to the latest research, and of course, no sugar.

It’s also worth double checking your partner doesn’t have any allergies that while relevant in the kitchen, are also worth confirming in the bedroom. Just sayin’.

Also, more specifically, it’s a no to butter, fish oil, honey, syrup, lard, hair or body products or just anything that doesn’t feel comfortable to you.

Without further ado: 11 alternatives to lube:

1.Egg whites

Okay, it sounds rogue but bear with me; you aren’t making an omelette or meringue here, but you can whip other things up into a frenzy… Beware the calls of salmonella and vegan related discourse. Obviously if you’re not onboard with it, don’t feel any pressure to try! Note, by the way, these are pasteurised eggs used at room temperature.

2. Aloe Vera

Notorious for it’s cooling, soothing properties, a little aloe goes a long way so it’s worth giving a chance. By definition it’s kind to all skin types, but do beware the latex allergy, because aloe may pose a threat.

3. Olive oil

Arguably the sexiest of all the oils, and like all the other oils listed here, it won’t break down the latex in the condom or anything like that. Use as liberally as pleasurable, and saddle up for a good time. These are great for clitoral stimulation and lasts longer than your ex ever did. The shade.

4. Almond oil

Another oil based option if the texture just does things to you – with the added benefit of having organic options you can feel ethical and erotic at the same time and do your bit for your local farmers. Insert crass joke about something to do with ploughing…

5. Avocado oil

Same as above, but with the added benefit of a millennial aesthetic. Your friends joke that you’d have avocado on anything. Little do they know…

6. Cornstarch and water

Cornstarch can be purchased at literally any supermarket, just mix a cup of water with four teaspoons of the powder for a silky finish. It’s a tad messy, but you’ll get to grips with things eventually.

7. Flaxseed

Maybe use this one when you’re experimenting in the kitchen and the bedroom and want to keep things intricate and ambitious. Typically used as a thickening agent (someone make the joke, someone make the joke). But it’s also used to treat dry skin, so you’re assured it’s going to feel great. Boil a cup of flaxseed in water (about 3 cups, or use your judgement) and drain the water when the seeds are soft. Allow to cool while things heat up elsewhere.

8. Crisco

Err yes, you did hear me correctly, but don’t knock it till you try it! It’s heavy, almost ‘putty-like’ for the more rogue adventures that you dream about. It’s hard to get off though (that’s what she said). And the greasy texture afterwards isn’t always fun, so use your own discretion for this one.

9. Grapeseed oil

A lighter oil than avocado etc, which is great for the vaginal area. As with the others, always check the expiration date!

10. Sesame oil

Maybe if you can’t find the others, this will be a mainstay around any kitchen. It’s always worth a punt with this old faithful (oil faithful? No? Fine.)

11. Yoghurt

Okay, hear me out. These classic probiotics are also a lovely thick textured alternative. Just play it safe and make sure there’s no sugar or artificial flavorings, because they can cause yeast infections. We don’t care for yeast infections in this house.

If I may be so bold, this list if this list can get you guys some good old fashioned DIY lube that you’re comfortable with, it can really revolutionise your sex life. That’s job done, for me.

A final note of caution that, much like in the kitchen when these ingredients are used, all suggestions should be deployed with a pinch of salt and common sense.

Happy trails!